All That Love's About
by starkist
Summary: Peeta's proposal does not go as smoothly as he hoped; as a result, Katniss must address some of her own inner demons. Written for Everlark Week on Prompts in Panem.


"Katniss," Peeta's voice rises over the sound of the nightly news on the television set. I lower the volume on it significantly, and look over at him.

Peeta has a strange look on his face, as though he's struggling to find the right words to say. Peeta no longer struggles with this like he did when he was first recovering from the hijacking, so I know whatever is on his mind must be significant. And I have a sneaking suspicion I know what it is, too.

Several times over the past few weeks, he's started like this before. Only he never was able to finish whatever he was about to say. Or ask. But he's been more absent-minded lately, staring off into space. I know it isn't one of his episodes, because his face always has a dreamlike quality on it when he does so. And more than once I've caught his eyes flicker between a loaf of bread he was baking and the fire roaring on the hearth.

This time, though, his voice seems to have an edge of certainty to it that never was there before. And so, even though I know that what he's about to say is the one thing I've been dreading hearing, I raise an eyebrow expectantly at him.

"Katniss… I was just, uh… I was-"

"What is it, Peeta?"

It comes out curter than I mean for it to. Peeta notices it, too, and it seems to make him lose whatever sense of courage he may have gathered.

"Nothing," he mumbles.

I shrug, and go back to the TV, turning the volume back up. But a moment later, he blurts it out anyways.

"I think we should have a toasting."

I freeze. I knew he was going to ask this of me, and yet it still caught me off guard.

Peeta continues. "It's just- it's been five years, and I just, uh…" he trails off, and I can see his expression saddening as he takes in my own. "I just thought I'd put it out there," he mumbles as he lowers his gaze once more to whatever he had been drawing.

I sigh. I'm not even sure where to begin. Sure, I love him. It took me two years to own up to it, but I finally did. Isn't that enough?

"Peeta…"

"Forget it," he says without even looking at me.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat, but before I can think of anything else to say, an all too familiar voice snaps my attention back to the television set.

It's Gale. Other than the news, I haven't seen him for myself since that day in the Capitol. He's still in District Two, working that fancy job. Only apparently it's lead to even bigger things for him. He's an official now, helping to set up the new government that's still being established. And apparently everything has fallen into place for him, as they're now announcing his engagement.

I can feel my mouth fall open involuntarily. I knew he would have moved on by now, especially by this time. But that still hasn't seemed to suppress the shock I'm feeling now. I don't recognize the girl he is apparently engaged to, but why would I? I know that not long after Peeta and I had reconciled, I had heard a rumor about him and Johanna. But that clearly must not have worked out, as she is not the girl at his side now.

I'm pulled from my thoughts, though, as Peeta gets up abruptly and leaves the room without a word. I can't really get a clear glimpse of his face as he passes, but I can tell by his body language that he is upset. I sit there, conflicted about whether to follow him or not, and still half-glued to the television set. Because I'd be lying if I said a small part of me did not want to know about Gale's life now.

But I find that I can't really concentrate now, no matter how much I want to know. Not with Peeta off… where ever he is. I hope he's not having an episode. They don't come as frequently now, but they do still come. I decide I should probably go check on him.

I end up finding him sitting on the porch out front. Everything seems normal as far as episodes go, but he is staring off into the distance with a somber look on his face. The sketch book lays next to him, open to a page with a partially completed drawing. I sit down quietly right next to him, and for a few moments neither one of us says anything.

As usual, it's Peeta who breaks the silence first.

"I'm sorry I brought it up," he says.

I stay silent. Five years of being in a relationship, and it's still hard for me to find the right words.

Peeta lets out a sigh, and picks up the sketch book again, hard-heartedly returning to his work on the drawing. Without looking at me, he continues.

"I just thought, it's been five years. We've come a long ways since… since the war ended," he allows himself a small smile. "Remember when we first started sharing a bed again?"

I find myself returning the small smile as I nod. "Yeah. You let yourself into my house because you heard me screaming. You were already awake because you couldn't sleep, either," I look out across the pathway leading to the other side of the Victor Village we still inhabit. "Just like on the train," I add.

"That's right," he confirms. "And I was still scared to death that I would hurt you, but I just… I couldn't hear you screaming like that. I had to take the risk."

I nod, remembering it well. "So was I, actually. Scared, I mean."

Peeta doesn't answer, but an expression I can't read crosses his face. He closes his book and inhales sharply. "You're still scared. Real or not real?"

My silence is my confirmation.

When Peeta speaks next, his voice has lowered to barely above a whisper. "Do you still wonder about Gale?" he asks, trying to mask the fact that his voice his shaking.

I hesitate before answering. "Yeah," I finally admit.

He nods and lets out a sigh.

"I'll be out of here in the morning."

I snap my head to look at him, my eyebrows furrowing. "What?" I ask, unsure if I heard him correctly.

"I don't want to hold you back. If you're still unsure about… everything, then you should go and find out what you need to know."

I blink, trying to make sense of his words. None of it makes any sense. "But what about you?" I ask.

"I don't know. There isn't anything for me here, besides you. I guess I'll go back to the Capitol and see if Effie knows of anything I could do there, or in another district or something."

"Peeta-" I begin.

"Well, why not, Katniss? It's been five years. Most people get married by this point. What else am I supposed to think if you're dragging your heels?"

I breathe in and shut my eyes tight. I'm bad at this kind of thing - very bad. My communication skills have improved somewhat, but not enough to help me now. Not when it's most important.

"Peeta…" I begin, "I've told you why I don't want to get married-"

"Yeah, I know," he interrupts. "You don't see how it's going to prove that you love me anymore than you already have."

I nod. "Don't you believe me?"

He's quiet for a minute, frowning as he thinks. "I do. But…"

"But what?"

"I don't know, Katniss. Call me old-fashioned, but it matters to me."

"I know it does," I admit.

We're both quiet for a long while, each of us lost in deep thought as the twilight swallows us up. "I don't want to push you," Peeta finally says. "I never wanted you to be stuck in a relationship with me if that's not what you wanted. "

There's a part of me that can't help laughing at this. The thought that I, whose biggest challenge in training back in District Thirteen was only doing what I wanted to do, would allow myself to be in such a situation once my freedom was finally granted to me is absurd. Peeta shoots me a hurt look, but before he can say anything else, I lean forward and kiss him.

Peeta hesitates for a moment before he raises his hands and places them on my back, returning the kiss as he does. My own hands find my way up and tangle in his blond curls. Even now, I still feel that hunger I first felt long ago when we were fighting for our lives in the arenas. I didn't understand it fully then, but I do now. I need Peeta. Losing him now, after everything we've been through, would destroy me.

And that's when I finally understand. It's not that I think marriage is a useless gesture to prove to the world that we love each other. We convinced them when I didn't even know it myself. It really is because I'm scared. After everything and everyone that I've lost, I'm afraid of tempting fate by showing I've still grown attached to another human being despite everything.

"Peeta," I say between the kisses, nodding my head. Our noses rub together gently. "Let's have a toasting."

He pulls away from me, his eyes wide and questioning. "Are- are you sure?" he asks.

"Yes," I say.

The smile that spreads across his face is so wide that it crosses into my own. Our hands find each other, grasping firmly as he leans in to kiss me again. "Real or not real?" he murmurs.

"Real," I laugh.

"I love you."

"I know," I say, smiling gently. Then, because I need him to understand I love him, too, I lean in and kiss him deeply. "I love you, too," I confess in a voice so small, I'd be surprised if he even heard it.

He does, though. Peeta scoops me up and carries me upstairs. Just like that first step we took in growing back together five years ago, I let him in my bed. Only now we do more than ward off the nightmares that come to us in the dark. As we make love, I realize that not only are we surviving… we're thriving.


End file.
